Alucard, The familiar
by Ordinarycomet3
Summary: What happens when Louise summons the crimson fucker to be her familiar? Read and find out!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello and welcome to another fanfiction! This is one I've wanted to do for a bit. I Won't make too many chapters, unless it gets highly requested. This Fan Fic is what I reckon would happen if TFS Alucard was summoned to be Louise's familiar.**

**WARNING: If you are hoping for a good plot, deep, moving dialogue, and a child safe fanfiction I highly recommend you stop reading now and read something else. I will be using this just to make TFS references in the funniest way I can.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfiction, but I did manage to hack Alucards twitter.**

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Deep down below the ground, underneath an estate out in the country in England, there was a large room. The room was mostly empty, save a throne like structure in the middle of it. The room was dark; it had a few torches along the walls, but was mostly dark. On the throne sat a man wearing a red coat. This man had many names, vampire king, terror of the night, Alucard, and even the bane of man. But his favourite (and least used title) was fuckmothering vampire. He was smiling, and looking at the only other object in the room. A 70 inch, plasma wide screen TV. With Netflix.

Suddenly a strange green light appeared before him, blocking his view of the TV. His immediate reaction was to shoot the fucking thing, but as the bullet reached the glow, it let the bullet pass through, and go straight into the TV. There was a large explosion, and Alucard sighed. "Well fuck, now I need to ask _her _to get me a new one, after she has a bitch fit about me breaking it." He then shot the green glow again, only to have a repeat of what happened last time. Now the TV was completely destroyed, and Alucard walked up to the strange object.

"dafuk is this?" he asked. "So a random glowing piece of goo shows up in my room, and is apparently immune to bullets? Dafuk." He walked around it, then looked again at the ruins of the TV. "Ah fuck it, I'll just see what happens if I jump inside it." Alucard promptly jumped into the glow, yelling "Cannonball!"

**Meanwhile...**

Louise valliere was nervous. Today was the day of the ritual and it was her turn, She hoped that at least she could summon _something _for a familiar. She held her wand up.

"My Familiar that exists somewhere in this universe or another, heed my call. My divine, beautiful, wise and powerful familiar, I summon you!" Louise said and thrust her wand forward. Suddenly an explosion erupted, filling the courtyard with smoke. Louise got a strange feeling as the explosion happened. She peered into the smoke to see a shape resembling a man, and when the smoke cleared there was a collective gasp.

Louise hadn't summoned a drake or dragon or phoenix or washing machine or dog or mouse, she had summoned a Human, and a commoner at that. He was wearing a red coat, and had a strange looking hat on. Looking at his eyes, Louise shuddered. They had an unnatural glow to them, and it scared her. Suddenly the man started talking, but she couldn't understand what he said.

"Oh god, looks like I've been teleported to a harry potter rejects convention." He looked around. "But I don't see any fat nerds with crappy scar tattoos." He looked at the girl in front of him. She started talking, but Alucard couldn't understand what she was saying at first. "Could you try speaking a language I actually- oh wait never mind." He said, speaking in the same language as Louise, which surprised her. "W-who are you?" she asked.

Alucard grinned. "I'm Alucard, a vampire that's lived for over 500 years, killed a few million people, eaten a few more, and I used to have a 70 inch plasma screen TV until some shitty little green thing got in my way and I shot it and then broke the TV." Alucard looked around, and his grin turned smug as he saw the shock on every one's faces. "And I also my jacket is white but it's just turned red from the blood of everyone who's ever pissed me off."

Louise gathered herself, and decided it was now or never. She walked up to Alucard and kissed him on the lips, surprising him completely. After wards he just looked at her for a bit before looking down. "And the Great Plains stretched out before me." He said. "I don't mind the kiss, but it's a little soon." He smirked. Louise didn't get what he meant, but then suddenly got furious, and at that moment Alucard felt a burning feeling on the back of his left hand. He removed his glove and looked at the strange runes. "Dafuk is this?" he asked.

He was ignoring Louise who was fuming with anger. "how... dare... you.." Alucard just looked at her. "How dare I what, little pink princess?" He asked, and Louise felt the anger flow out of her as she made eye contact with him, only for it to be replaced with dread. "Good answer; now tell me where I am." He looked at her. Louise then explained the whole familiar summoning stuff, which Alucard half ignored and instead looked at some nearby birds, and was thinking of shooting them. "So you're my master and I'm supposed to do what you say?" He asked.

Louise nodded, still a little intimidated. "Follow me to my room."

**Later in the room**

Alucard looked around the room. Then at the hay that was his "bed". "I am not sleeping on that." He said flatly, it was already dusk, he had decided to dick around with Louise by sneaking off and hiding somewhere in the academy. Louise looked at him. "Well you don't have a choice."

"I actually do, I could just not go to sleep. Ever thing about that?!" he sighed, the boner he usually got from arguing with Integra was returning with a vengeance, but it was super awkward cause he guessed this flat chested, pink haired shorty must be 16, and despite what you may think, Alucard does have standards. "Anyway, I've got things to do." He said, turning towards the door.

"What do you mean!? You only do what I tell you, nothing else!" she shouted at him, Alucard just turned back to face her.

"No I don't, I don't follow orders, now if you don't mind, and I have to go." He turned away again. "Where are you going?" Louise asked.

"For a walk." Alucard answered.

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**Chapter 1, done! I kinda wrote this in an hour, hope you people enjoyed it, and please review telling me what I can do to make the second chapter better! Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Welcome to chapter 2! Glad everyone who read the first chapter was entertained, I will be keeping these chapters short, but may lengthen them later, anyway, let chapter 2 commence!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this Fan fiction and Alucard managed to get his twitter back.**

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Alucard was walking down the stairs. He had decided he needed to take an enthusiastic walk through the woods to better get acquainted with his new home, that way he could have something to do every night. As he was walking down he heard voices, one that sounded like it belonged to some pompous prick who thought his shit didn't stink, and that sounded like a girls. As Alucard got to the bottom of the stairs he saw them and then melted into the shadows to eavesdrop.

"Oh Katie, you have the most beautiful eyes." The blond prick said.

"Your so kind Guiche, you're the nicest guy here, everyone else just ignores me because I'm a first year, but you noticed me, and you're also the most handsome guy here." The girl said

"Anything for the most beautiful girl at this academy." Guiche replied.

"Oh you dirty bitch, work the shaft!" Alucard said, appearing right next to Guiche and Katie, who both promptly nearly had heart attacks. "W-What?" Guiche asked, confused at the vampires words.

"Oh sorry, it's just I like to dirty talk when I see someone getting their dick sucked." He grinned and looked at Katie. "Make sure to keep moving up and down, guys don't like it when they have to do all the work." Alucard then walked past them. "Oh I know you, your Louise the zero's familiar, some dirty commoner."

Alucard stopped when he heard those words and turned around. "Sorry, but I'm a fuckmothering vampire, I killed a lot of people to get this title, I deserve to be called as such, you little blond shit." These words confused Guiche even more, and Alucard just kept going down the tower.

Once he was outside he looked up to see 2 moons. "Oh my, well at least there is plenty of moonlight for my... shenanigans." Alucard grinned evilly, and then walked to the edge of the academy. He saw a forest off in the distance, and started walking. After about 30 minutes he reached the edge of the woods, and smiled "This is perfect, dark, plenty of trees, lots of clearings for moonlight to get in, oh It feels like I never left home, except I won't have any more arguments over the phone... or a 70 inch, plasma screen TV" Alucard looked sad, he liked his TV, it was probably the only inanimate object Alucard would think twice about shooting at.

Alucard then smiled, and walked into the wood. After about 10 minutes someone appeared in front of him, and Alucard stopped walking.

"Well well well, look what we have here, someone decided to go for a walk in the woods, shame you won't be leaving here alive." The voice was coming from a man who was standing about 15 meters from Alucard, he had a robe on, and was holding a wand, and he had messy brown hair and blue eyes.

"Excuse me, but I was enjoying a rather pleasant walk through the woods, now if you don't mind, you deranged fuck, could you please go die in a hole before I kill you myself." The man laughed. "I am a line mage, and everyone who's walked into this part of the woods has died by my hand! And soon you will join them." The crimson fucker just looked at the man, and he grinned his signature toothy grin.

The man laughed. "Why are you smiling at your own death?" He asked. "I'm not smiling, I'm laughing on the inside at your stupidity, clichéd threats, and the fact you aren't really... well intimidating as much as you try to be." The man stopped laughing and looked at Alucard. "You dare to mock me!?"

"Oh no no no no no." Alucard said with a smile. "Pff yeah." Suddenly the mages head exploded as a bullet ripped right through it. "Well that should about wrap things up here, certainly was a good evening, I should head back, but first..." He walked over to the man's corpse. "...snack time." He licked his lips.

Back at the academy, Louise was worried. Her familiar had wandered off, scared the shit out of Guiche, and then said some very strange things to him. She was lost in thought when her familiar seemed to just appear, like he walked through the wall. She screamed and jumped backwards, and her familiar looked at her.

"Are you scared of the boogie man? Don't worry, I'm a lot scarier." He grinned. Louise regained her composure. "W-where have you been?!" She demanded. Alucard sat down at the table and said very casually. "I took an enthusiastic walk through the woods, and I met some man claiming to be a "line mage". I then shot him; turns out he wasn't that tough after all, and he tasted horrible, he's dead now, in case you're wondering."

Louise's jaw hit the floor _He killed a line mage?! _"W-why?!" she asked, in total shock.

"He was disturbing my walk, and refused to leave me alone, so I had to teach him some proper manners." Alucard said, letting out a toothy grin. Louise just hung her head, she had given up. She then looked at him.

"So you went on a walk through the woods?"

"Yes."

"And while you were there you met a line mage?"

"Yep."

"And then you decided to kill him?

"Yes! Like I didn't just get through explaining this." Alucard said, sounding tired. Louise sighed. "I'm going to bed." She said, and then pulled the sheets over herself. Her familiar looked at her.

"Good, now if you don't mind, I've got things to do." Louise bolted upright. "Do things? What do you mean?" Alucard looked at her. "I Mean take enthusiastic walks through the woods, don't worry, I won't kill anyone or drink blood from anyone at this Hogwarts wannabe... yet." He grinned. "Drink blood?! Does that mean you're a vampire!?" Louise's eyes went wide, and Alucard sighed.

"I told you, I'm a fuckmothering vampire." Louise just slumped again. "Oh yeah, right." She hoped she was dreaming, maybe this was a nighmare and her familiar was something like a cat or dog or rat or microwave or dragon. Alucard turned away. "Now then where were we? Oh yes I'm going on an enthusiastic walk through the woods." He walked to the door when Louise stopped him.

"And you're going to kill anyone you come across?" She asked. The vampire turned his head and grinned at her.

"I'm going on a _very _enthusiastic walk."

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**There it is! Chapter 2, hope you guys enjoyed it. Please review or message me with ideas for the third chapter! Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Welcome to chapter 3! Thanks again for all the reviews and reads. ON with chapter 3!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this, and Alucard has threatened me with death if I try to steal his twitter again.**

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Louise woke up, yawning. She got out of bed, and made her way outside. She noted her familiar was missing, and just noticed a strange, _evil _feeling coming from him. She was worried what her familiar might do. "Good morning prissy." Alucard said, phasing out a wall and scaring the shit out of Louise, which Alucard promptly started laughing about. After he calmed down and her heart beat went down, they went outside.

"So I'd just like to say, if you're gonna make me go to class with you, I'm gonna have to say no..." Louise shot him a look. "It's the day of the void, so we get a day off." Alucard grinned at this. "I love vacation days!" All the other students were giving him worried glances. "Anyway, im going to be relaxing here, go and do what you want. But don't kill anyone." She added quickly, still scared of her familiar.

"killjoy." Was all Alucard had to say. He walked off, getting looks left right and centre from the students, until he bumped into a girl with blond hair, and as she turned to face him, Alucards eyes went wide. "Sorry about that sir! I didn't watch where I was going." The girl bowed to him. "Police girl?" Alucard asked, the girl looked up. "E-excuse me? My names Sera's, w-whats a police girl?" Alucard couldn't believe it. His big tittied police girl had somehow ended up in the same world, AND seemed to have lost her memory and powers. He couldn't feel any vampire power coming from her.

He decided he would sort her out later. "Sorry, my bad, confused you for someone else, but if you don't mind, could we chat again later?" And by chat, he means shoot her in the heart. Again. And turn her into a vampire. Again. Really, it was like Alucard was running around in circles.

He noticed the blond little shit from last night sitting at a table, now chatting to a blond haired girl, different from the girl he was with last night. He noticed the brown haired girl, and immediately decided on a plan of action, and walked over to the blond little shit.

"You cheeky dick waffle." He said as he approached the boy who was so flamboyant, Alucard would have guessed he was gay if he hadn't seen him with a girl last night. The blond shit looked confused. "E-excuse me?" he asked.

"Oh you know, I was just complementing you on your ability to get 2 ladies to work the shaft." Guiche looked as confused now as he did last night, he wasn't noticing Alucards sinister presence. "I mean, I do have to compliment you on your balls, not that I think you have any, but dating 2 girls at once sure is something to be proud of." The vampire grinned and turned to face the blond haired girl. "In case you're wondering what you're little shit of a boyfriend is up too, I saw him with that girl over there last night." He pointed over his shoulder to Katie, who walked over.

Sensing that Guiche was about to get at least a dozen bitch slaps, Alucard moved away and observed. He was right, the boy got about 17 bitch slaps as well as a harsh scolding, and then the 2 girls charged off in tears. Alucard failed to contain his laughter, which just echoed throughout the courtyard, sending shivers down most of the student's spines.

Guiche, being the arrogant prick he is, decided he would shut Alucard up. "You familiar, silence!" he demanded. Alucard stopped laughing and looked at Guiche. "Oh? What's this?"

"It is your fault for making those young ladies cry; I challenge you to a duel to make up for the transgression you have caused!" Alucard started laughing. "Sure, It's been a long time since I've been in a fight, I need to see if I've gotten rusty." He let out an evil grin, then Louise, the little killjoy bitch, charged up to the crimson fucker. "Familiar Enough! You will not fight Guiche!" Alucard looked at her. "Oh what are you going to do? Ring up that guy who can stop me? What was his name, Michael mc doesn't exist?" Alucard asked his little 'master'.

Guiche laughed. "you truly are a zero Louise, you can't even control your familiar!" Louise then looked at Guiche, then back to Alucard, back to Guiche, back to Alucard, back to Guiche then back to Alucard. "Make him suffer..." Alucard let out a toothy grin. "... but don't kill him." Alucards smile faded.

"Buzz kill, and I was almost to a full murder boner." He sighed. "Well let's get moving.

**At Vestri court.**

Alucard and Guiche stood surrounded by students, all of them waiting to see Guiche destroy Alucard. Little did they know, Guiche was going to get his shit spanked. Alucard decided, to make it more fun, he would let the blond shit cut him up, then Alucard would bitch slap the prick into next week. "Well what are you waiting for?" He wouldn't kill him, well he wouldn't _try _to kill him, if he died he would blame shenanigans.

"Hmph, it appears I must educate you in manners as well." Same usual story, petal falls, Valkyrie appears. "I am Guiche the bronze, and your opponent will be my bronze Valkyrie." Alucard just grinned. "And I'm Alucard the crimson fucker, and I will fuck your shit." Guiche was taken aback by Alucard's words, and then ordered the Valkyrie to attack.

As it got to Alucard and swung down, Louise was worried her familiar wouldn't dodge, and that's exactly what he didn't do. The sword cut into him, leaving a cut on his shoulder. The crowd gasped, and Louise was worried that her familiar was insane. Little did she know, she was right, but what she didn't know, was her familiar was basically fucking immortal, so getting a cut on the shoulder was nothing to him.

"Is that all?" Alucard asked. Guiche was disturbed, he had just cut this man's shoulder, and he was acting like it was nothing. Then he ordered the Valkyrie to cut his arm off. It did so, and Alucard did not resist. Guiche was mortified, along with the crowd, that this man had his arm chopped off and he didn't even notice. "Y-you're a monster!" Guiche called out.

"Sorry, but Like I said before, I'm a fuck mothering vampire, I killed a lot of people to earn this title, I deserve to be called as such." Alucard regenerated his arm. "My turn." And with one hit, shattered the Valkyrie to pieces.

Guiche summoned more, and sent them at the vampire, who just casually walked through the whirlwind of death, and then just smashed them to pieces with well-aimed punches. The crimson fucker had a bored expression on his face, so he decided he would end this 'fight'.

Walking up to Guiche, who wet himself with fear, Alucard leaned close and whispered. "I've only got 2 words for you." Guiche went wide eyed. "W-what are-" he started to ask. "BITCH SLAP." Alucard shouted, swinging his right hand, palm first, into Guiche's face. The impact sent him flying into the wall, and only his legs were sticking out. Everyone was in shock; they started to wonder if he really was a vampire.

The crimson fucker turned and walked past his master and Seras. "Now then, I have a few questions to ask you." He turned to look at Louise with an evil grin. "_Master"_

The way he said it sent chills down Louise's spine, and she go behind him.

"Oh mister, you never told me your name!" Seras (aka big tittied police girl) asked. Alucard turned to look at her.

"I have many names, crimson fucker, fuckmothering vampire, vampire king." He grinned. "But just call me, Alucard, police girl."

He turned and walked off. "Also after our little Q&amp;A, I'm going for a walk."

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**And there's chapter 3! Ok I know you're wondering, why did I put Seras in instead of Siesta? Because to be honest, when I got to that part, I started writing it as Siesta, but I just couldn't keep it going, so I had to use Seras. Besides, I doubt I could have come up with a good nickname for Siesta from Alucard. If you guys don't like it, I can change it back to siesta in the next chapter. But otherwise, hope you all enjoyed, and I'll get the next chapter up soon! Please do submit ideas for the next chapter, either through a review or message, I will try to do all of them!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys, sorry it's been a while since I updated but for a bit I felt like I didn't really know what to do with this considering how what situation I've put it in, but due to my brilliance, I've come up with an idea that everyone will hopefully like, so here goes!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fanfiction.**

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Siesta still wasn't sure how to handle her situation. She looked at the other 2 girls in the room, Seras and Jessica, they seemed just as confused as she was. At that moment a tall man wearing a red coat phased through the wall, a mischievous grin on his face, as always. "Hello my 3 big titied servants, good to see your all handling the new situation well, If you have any questions, please feel free to ask..." the crimson fucker looked at all three of them "... I'll answer anything."

"Why did you turn us all into vampires?" Siesta asked. The vampire looked at her. "Because I figured 3 big titied vampire servants is far better than one."

(in Alucard's Voice)

Your probably wondering, how did all this come about? Well it all started one night during a midnight walk through the woo-

(record scratch)

No wait that's how I found the police girl back where I came from, fuck wrong story. OK lets forget that happened shall we?

Ok, well it all started the day after I kicked the shit out of that blond little shit (Who I decided to keep around just because I figured I might need a punching bag or "diversion" should I ever require one) and met the police girl. I met another girl who had equally big tits, and immediately named her French tits. After this she was rather disturbed and kept insisting her name was "Siesta" and of course I ignored her.

Anyway that hadn't been the focus of my afternoon. I went and found the blond shit and made him piss his pants again. Afterwards I went for an enthusiastic walk through the woods to visit the local church, repent my sins, shoot the shit out of all the priests, piss all over the cross, paint the walls with their blood, you know, the usual thing I do when I want to leave a good impression on the neighbours. Once I got back, I learnt that some old fuckbrick had taken the police girl and the maid girl.

I had gone to converse with my 'master' about the location of this Count Mott, who sounds like a right bott.

"Where have you been?" Louise asked the crimson fucker as he walked through the door, and by that I mean LITERALLY through the door. "taking an enthusiastic walk through the woods, what else do you expect me to do?"

"Obey my commands." Louise said simply.

"And I want to be the pope." Alucard declared. "Do you know where count Motts estate is?" he asked. "yes, why?" Louise asked. "it's just I figured I would pay him a visit, maybe pick up a few eggs and milk, and blow his house the fuck up."

Louise didn't catch the last part because he said it really quickly. "Wait what was that last part?" she asked.

"Nothing, now where's the house?" Alucard asked again. Louise looked at him, and just gave up trying to fight him. "His house is to the north, 20 miles."

"Thanks a lot flatsy!" Alucard shouted as he phased through the wall. Louise ran to the door and opened it, only to be greeted with the disorienting sight of all the paintings in the hall way tilted.

Alucard made his way across the landscape to the estate, and as he got to the gate (hey that rhymed, kind of) the guards stopped him. "Um excuse me sir, but no one's allowed in without a letter of permission from the count himse-" The guard was cut off as his head exploded, and his friend only had a moments comprehension before his head also exploded.

"Sorry chaps, but I'm in a bit of a rush, so if you don't mind, I'll just kill- oh wait their dead, woops." Alucard walked over the 2 corpses and kicked the gate down. All the guards ran at him at once yelling "intruder!"

"no it's the crimson fucker, and I'm here to save Christmas!" he started killing all the guards efficiently and without mercy. "This is fun, but it's boring how they run at my bullets and don't even try to DODGE!" he then blew another guards head off. "My murder boner ain't getting hard enough!" he then fired a bullet at the mansion door and blew it open, walking in surrounded by a pile of corpses.

When he saw count Mott he almost laughed at how stupid he looked. He was a total snob, for lack of better words, and he was shocked to see Alucard. "Who are you?" he demanded of the crimson fucker. "Me? Oh I'm just the post man, come to deliver some packages... of death." He then lifted his 2 guns and killed all the guards in the room, bathing the walls in blood. This shocked Mott, and Siesta who happened to be in the room. Mott saw her and grabbed her, using her as a human shield. "And I thought I had sexual issues, you take the grand prize, I do fucking say!" Alucard declared.

"If you use your weapons on me, she will die as well!" he declared with confidence, only to find he had a hole in his chest about 3 seconds later. "Makes my job easier." Alucard said simply. He walked over to siesta. "Well that should about wrap things up here. Oh sorry about the whole shooting you thing, but I'm sure if you look deep into your heart, which is currently all over that wall, you will find a way to forgive me."

Siesta was just looking at him with almost dead eyes, and Alucard just sighed. "All right fine, I'll also turn you into a vampire, but only because you have nice tits." So he turned her into a vampire, went downstairs, found Seras, did the same thing to her, and turned another big titied girl he found there called Jessica into a vampire.

"Why? Because I can." Alucard said.

Back to present.

"And also because you know, you all have nice tits." Alucard said in a matter of fact tone. All the girls would take time to get used to this. "For now, keep being servants here, I'd like to keep you close by. Anyway I have a 'master' I need to get back to in order to avoid being yelled at, so bye!" at that the crimson fucker phased through the wall and disappeared.

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**And that's that! I decided "why, instead of take seras out the story, just give him 3 big tited vampire servants?" I hope you guys all like my idea, and very soon, I will write a chapter that will hopefully be the greatest chapter ever, if you want a hint ill give it in the next chapter, if not, I wont give any hints away. For now, thanks for reading, you protestant bastards.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello my dear readers. Sorry its been awhile (over 5 months i know) since i last posted a chapter, but im going to get back into this now. I have some fabulous ideas that will hopefully have you laughing your socks off for the story. Also, please do post in the reviews ideas for the story that you guys would like to see, I will do my best to make this story as funny and stupid as possible. Anyway, back to the adventures of the crimson Fucker! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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Today was the day of the familiar show, and Louise was worried. When she had told alucard about it, he had grinned like the insane psychopath he is, and said he has a plan for the day. When asked what it was, he simply replied "funzies" and laughed before disappearing through the wall. Now Louise was standing next to the stage, getting ready to go on with the vampire standing next to him. His face was blank, and Louise couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"So whats your plan?" Louise asked.

"I dont have one." Alucard replied.

Louise's jaw dropped. "I thought you said you did!"

"I lied. Big deal, Ill just wing it. And before you start, I won't kill anyone... probably."

That did little to calm down Louise. They were called and Louise and the CF (crimson fucker) walked out onto stage. Standing up straight, Louise announced in a loud voice.

"This is my Familiar, The mighty alucard!" She said. Everyone noticeably had fear on their faces. Alucard just grinned.

"Oh whats the matter, you all afraid of big papa Alucard?" he said. "Don't worry, I promise that no one will get hurt... probably. Anyway, you kids wanna see a magic trick?"

Everyone nodded slowly. The princess was sitting at the far back, and she found alucard interesting, and Alucard looked at her and grinned his toothy grin.

"Oh my, more girls with big tits." He suddenly put on a melodramatic voice. "Why oh why was I summoned by the possessor of the great plains? Why could I not be the servant of one blessed with the Himalayas?" He said rather loudly. Everyone was confused at the vampires words, and he sighed. Then he sank into the stage. Literally.

Everyone watched with mixed looks of shock and interest. He then disappeared into the stage and re-appeared from the back of it. He was about to continue when there was a rather loud noise coming from nearby. it sounded like someone was trying to smash a wall down. And it sounded like they were using a very large object to attack said wall.

Alucard immediately jumped off the stage and sprinted towards the source of the noise. He pulled out both his pistols and as he rounded the corner, he looked up at what he was going to fight.

It was a golem. Alucard had fought many things, vampires, werewolves, humans, priests and all manner of supernatural beings, even a living traffic cone and knew exactly how to kill most of them, which usually involved lots of shooting, but he didn't have the foggiest idea how to kill a golem.

Well except shooting the shit out of it, of course.

And that's exactly what Alucard did. He shot the shit out of it. The golem turned mid punch to find out who was busy blowing bits of its arm off. There was a women on the Golem, and she ordered it to attack him. With surprisingly agility, it squashed Alucard with its left fist. The women on the golem let out a laugh. "Poor fool should have tried to dodge." she said. The golem lifted its fist to reveal a very squished Alucard, who immediately regenerated and started shooting the golem. It squashed him again, and again he regenerated.

Now the women on the golem was getting worried. Her golem was slowly being destroyed by Alucards relentless fire. So she decided to run in plain sight of Alucard down the golem's arm towards the tower, and Alucard fired at her, and she managed to use magic to redirect the bullet to hit the tower and blow a hole in it. The golem then proceeded to pound Alucard repeatedly (into the ground, with his fists. Get your mind out of the gutter).

She ran out a moment later carrying a box that was taller than her. She jumped off the golem and over the wall, and once she disappeared, the golem disintegrated into a large pile of stones. Alucard arose from the crater where the golem had been making a very real attempt to turn him into paste, but he regenerated quickly.

"The bitch got away." He said. He turned around to see Louise standing there, with shock on her face. He grinned. "Sorry but I need to go for a walk, I'll be back in a bit." He then turned, walked towards the kitchen, fetched Siesta, Seras and Jessica, and then made his way off to the forest.

Why the forest? Because he figured that would be where she would go to hide.

Anyway, after a bit of walking they found a shack in a clearing. After telling the three girls to stay put, he walked up to the door, and started shooting through it. After about a minute, he stopped and opened the door.

"Anyone home?" he said. The case was lying on the far side of the room, and Alucard had fortunately missed it. He walked over and opened it, and what he saw shocked him. He then grinned and picked up what was in the case.

(outside)

"Hey police girl." They heard Alucard say from the building. "Catch." Suddenly the wall exploded as a large object was thrown through it. Seras managed to catch it, but it knocked her over. Jessica and Siesta helped her up, and they inspected the strange object Alucard had thrown at them. For some reason, it was familiar to Seras, but she didn't know why.

"It's an anti-tank cannon." Alucard said, walking out of the house.

"So that's its real name, I thought "Staff of destruction" was more appropriate." said a women's voice. the 4 vampires turned to see Fouquet standing atop a golem, with one flanking her on each side. "Please do tell me, how did you know i would be here?" She asked.

"I've been here a few times before, and I figured an abandoned house would be the best place to hide." Alucard said. "now then, lets get this show on the Road."

"With pleasure." Fouquet said, and ordered her golems to attack. They advanced on Alucard, and he then started to shoot at both of them. "Police girl, hurry up and fire that thing." he said. Seras looked down at the anti tank cannon. While she had never seen it before, she instinctively knew how to use it. Setting it down, she aimed down the sights at one of the golems and pulled the trigger. The golem then exploded into thousands of little chunks, and Alucard turned to look at Seras with a disappointed expression.

"You forgot the tag line to firing that thing." He said.

She looked at him, confused. "W-What?"

He grinned. "Bitches love cannons."

Fouquet was gaping at the remains of her golem. "S-So that's... the power of the staff of destruction..." She said.

"Yep. Awesome isn't it? Anyway, I think its about time I-" Alucard was cut off when suddenly what seemed like an ethereal mist appeared, floating out of the door of the house. It was grey in colour, and seemed to be changing shape constantly. It eventually settled into the shape of half a man. It's lower body was simply a sort of tail, but Alucard raised an eyebrow when he saw it's upper body. It was large, larger than any man Alucard had ever seen. It was wearing some kind of strange armour, which had no sleeves but covered his chest and shoulders. He was completely bald, and from his expression, still half asleep.

It looked around. It stopped when it saw Alucard, then after a few seconds it looked at Fouquet, before looking at Seras, Jessica and Siesta then back at Alucard. The man grinned.

"OOOHHHH YEAH! This looks like a real good fight! Kinda sucks I can't join though, being dead does have it's downsides. Stupid Vegeta..." The ghost trailed off.

"Who are you?" Alucard asked, genuinely interested. The ghost grinned, before whipping out sunglasses from seemingly nowhere.

"The names Nappa. Ghost Nappa."

* * *

**And there you have it folks! Sorry its a bit short, but I'll be doing weekly updates from now. Once again, please send me any crazy Ideas you have for this, I'm going to make this fan fic as funny and stupid as possible. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you next time!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello and welcome to chapter 6! Nothing to say, except ITS NAPPA TIME BABY!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

Alucard looked at the ghostlike form of nappa, a curious look on his face. For some reason, the ghost like being was familiar to him. "What was your name again?" he asked.

"The names nappa baby!" Nappa exclaimed. Before Alucard could say any more, a golem stood on Nappa's ghost form. Almost instantly, Alucard shot Fouquet in the shoulder, almost knocking her off the golem.

"That was rather rude. I was in the middle of a conversation with someone who seemed like a rather interesting gentlemen and you had to go and do that. How could you?" Alucard said. Seras, Jessica and Siesta were just staring at the crimson fucker. "You could have shot her the whole time!?" Seras asked. "Yeah, so what?" Alucard asked.

"Why couldn't you have done it sooner?" Siesta asked, oddly feeling offended that Alucard had dragged them all the way out here to deal with an opponent he could have killed in an instant. "Because that's boring, killing your opponent instantly. And besides, she left herself open the dumb bitch." Fouquet was clucthing the remains of her shoulder. "H-how dare you! You will pay for this!" The golem that had stomped on Nappa, who had yet to reform for some reason, turned to face Alucard. Alucard sighed. "Here we go again..." He raised his pistols and was poised and ready to fire, when the golem _grinned_.

"WOOOOO HOOOOO! MAN THIS IS AWESOME!" The golem yelled, confusing all present. Alucard however quickly recovered, and started laughing when he figured out what was going on. Fouquet was unamused. "What is going on? I demand you tell me at once!"

"First off, you don't "demand" me to do anything. Secondly, fuck you, and thirdly, my associate Nappa has just taken control of you're golem, unless I'm mistaken."

"That's right! Nappas back baby WHOOO!" Nappa spun around and pulled the arm off the golem standing behind him, before he started hitting it with its own arm whilst chanting. "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself." He reduced the other golem to a pile of rubble, with Fouquet completely shocked. She quickly regained her wits and waved her wand, trying to dissolve the golem Nappa was controlling. "Hey lady, stop tryin ta break my body, I need this for my modelling career!" He charged the golem Fouquet was standing on, which moved to block the attack. She summoned another golem, and made it charge Nappa.

Alucard was watching with interest. When the 2 golems collided, it seemed like a stalemate for a second. Fouquet frowned. _He must be surely be an expert fighter to be able to fight my golem evenly!_

_Paddy cake, paddy cake boop boop BAM! Bake me a cake as fast as ya CAN! _Was what was running through Nappas head as he fought the golem. He knocked it over and then grabbed it by the legs. "Time to finish this, Mario style!" He slowly started spinning the golem around by its feet. Eventually it turned into a massive whirlwind, with Nappa yelling "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH" The whole time. He let go, sending the golem flying faster than a fat man heading towards a donut shop with a 80% discount and smashed into Fouquet's golem, knocking her flying into a tree. As she struggled to her feet, she froze when she heard Alucard approach.

"You know, I've always been told I need to vary my diet. Eat some vegetables, get those all vital vitamins needed to grow. Never really thought it was worth it though, but right now, I _really _think some green would do me good..." He smirked evily as he stood over Fouquet. "Wouldn't you agree?" Fouquet was unable to reply, and as Alucard reached down to her, Nappa stopped him.

"Hey red hat guy. Don't kill her yet."

"The names Alucard, and why not?" He asked, curious.

"I've been working on a new song, and I want her to hear it before she dies. Consider it a parting gift." The massive golem said. Everyone save Alucard adopted a shocked expression. HE wanted to sing to her before she dies!? What kind of mad man is this?

"Hmm... sure thing. Lets hear it." He picked Fouquet up. "And be sure to listen _very _closely my dear." He said smirking. She nodded, pale as snow. Nappa summoned a guitar out of thin air, played a few cords on it, and then got ready.

"Alright, three... two... one..."

He started playing and Alucard frowned. "Wait... is he playing... the ghost buster theme song?"

_Vegegeta geta g-g-g-g-geta_  
_Vegegeta geta_  
_GHOST NAPPA (yeah!)_

Alucard started nodding his head to the beat. He liked this song.

_Yeah,if there's something strange_  
_In your neighborhood,_  
_Guess who it is?_  
_GHOST NAPPA_

Fouquet was unable to think due to the sheer nappaness of the song she was listening to. Siesta, Seras and Jessica were the same.

_If there's something weird_  
_And it dont look good_  
_Guess who it is?_  
_GHOST NAPPA_

Alucard suddenly instinctively knew the words, and started singing along.

_Here we go_  
_Vegeta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta_  
_You know you love me as a ghost_  
_Vegeta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta_  
_WHOOOOOOOH!_

The world started shaking due to the awesomeness of the song.

_All right yeah! Come on! Sing this! Clap, clap baby clap!_

_Vegegeta geta, g-g-g-g-geta_  
_All your things_  
_running through your head_  
_Guess who it is?_  
_GHOST NAPPA!_

_An invisible man_  
_sleeping in your bed_  
_Guess who it is?_  
_OOOH OH Ghost Nappa! Come on baby sing it!_

_Vegeta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta_  
_You know you love me as a ghost_  
_Vegeta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta geta_  
_WHOOOOOOOH!_

"Nice song." Alucard said, really meaning the compliment. He looked at Fouquet, who had died from the sheer nappaness of the song.

"Oh well, guess I'll have to eat it dead. OM NOM NOM OM NOM"

* * *

_*meanwhile*_

"It appears some interesting maggots have found their way here. I look forward to meeting them."

* * *

**And thats that! Hope you all enjoyed, and the next chapter will be out next week! Oh yeah, nappa now has a giant earth golem for a body, so... thats a thing. See you next week!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello there and welcome to chapter 7! This time, Alucard pays the church of Brimir a visit! And other stuff happens too.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

"So you followed her into the woods..." Louise started.

"Yep." Alucard responded.

"You found the staff of destruction..."

"Yep"

"And then you... killed her with music?"

"To be fair that was Nappa, my new best friend."

"Aye!" Nappa said. He'd figured out how to shrink his golem form, as well as to reshape it so that it looked like he did (he's wearing his saiyan armour but lacks his scouter) "I played her my song, and apparently it was so awesome it killed her."

"Then afterwards I had some... fun with her." Alucard said, grinning a toothy grin. "Lots of it, how did she taste?" Nappa asked. "Not the best, but not the worst. About... 6 out of 10." Alucard responded. Louise looked between Nappa and Alucard.

"I need an adult." She said

"I am an adult." Nappa and Alucard said in unison.

"No, no you are not." Siesta, Jessica and Seras said in unison. Louise just rubbed her temples "Oh brimir help me..."

"Brimir?" Alucard asked. "Yes Brimir the founder. Its my religion."

At the word 'religion' Alucard grinned like a kid in a candy store. "Oh really? Tell me... where is this 'religion' based?" He asked, in a deceptively curious tone. "Romalia. Its to the south, past Gallia. Why are you so curious?" She asked. "Oh no reason." Alucard replied. Louise narrowed her eyes before yawning. "Whatever, we'll discuss the rest in the morning." Louise then rolled over and went to sleep. Alucard, Nappa and the three girls left the room. "Right. Nappa we're going on a trip." Alucard declared.

"A trip? Really? Where to? Will we get to visit Dairy queen on the way? Oh will we be able to get souvenirs?" Nappa asked. Alucard nodded, a grin on his face. The three girls sweat dropped _He's like a child._

"Right. While we're gone, you 3 will be her servants." Alucard said. "What? Where are you going?" they asked.

"To this 'Romalia' place. I want to pay a... 'visit' to the church and give them my... 'regards'." Alucard grinned. Then before the girls could respond, he and Nappa disappeared.

"Well... shit." Seras said.

* * *

Romalia, the centre of the church of Brimir, a small country located to the south of Gallia. Not a very big country, but still powerful due to the church. It's capital city teemed with citizens and pilgrims, all either going about their daily lives or visiting the churchs.

... or at least normally they would be.

Right now, the city was in chaos. The main cathedral was in flames, and dead priests littered the area around it. In the midst of the flames stood 2 individuals. Do you really need to guess who?

"I haven't had this much fun in years! Oh boy, I've got a real murder boner now!" Alucard declared, laughing like a maniac. Nappa was busy smashing things. People, buildings, trees, benches, bins, people you name it, Nappa smash it.

"NAPPA SMASH!" He roared as he flattened another house. The people inside were squished within seconds. Nappa too laughed like a maniac, enjoying the destruction.

Then the army showed up.

Well... more like walked towards Alucard before turning around after 5 seconds because he'd blown half of the fuckers up.

"W-Why?!" A half dead priest asked. "Why would you do something like this? W-what are you? A Monster?"

"Excuse me, but I'm a fuck mothering vampire. I killed a lot of people to get this title, I deserve to be called as such. And now, you're one of those people I killed." He said as he shot the priest in the head.

Then the pope showed up.

"YOU!" He roared, waving his stupid looking staff around. Alucard had to resist laughing at his hat _It's so fucking stupid! _He thought. "Did you murder all these people and destroy this church?" The pope of brimir demanded.

"Oh no that was some other guy. His name was shit Sherlock, first name no." Alucard responded. The pope started fuming and then frothing at the mouth, causing Alucards eyebrows to shoot up. "What. The. Fuck." He said. The pope then collapsed and started doing doughnuts on the floor, still frothing like a mad man, screaming "blood murder, BLOODY MURDER" the whole time.

"Um... okay..." Nappa said. Even he had paused his destruction to witness this strange sight. Suddenly the pope stopped rolling around and stood up, his eyes now black as midnight.

"Hello Maggots. I've been looking for you."

* * *

A women sat at a desk. It was a very nice desk, large and made of wood. It had draws, many draws, all filled with different things. The women sitting at the desk however, wasn't busy admiring the desk. Why would she? After all, compared to a certain wooden desk, it was inferior. She was currently on the phone trying to reach the man with the superior wooden desk. She tapped her fingers on the desk. In the shadows stood a man. This man was tall, thin and looked old.

The phone stopped ringing, and the women heard someone pick it up. "Hello, you have reached King Yemma, proud owner of the one and only Mahogany desk, how may I help you?"

_Mahogany... _

"Hello, this is Sir Integra of the Hell sing Organization. I need to talk to King Kai at once." Integra said.

Yemma was confused. "Wait a second... how the fuck did you get my phone number?" He demanded.

"That isn't important. What is important is you get me in touch with King Kai at once. We have a serious situation on our hands." She said.

"How serious?" Yemma asked, fearing the answer.

"Alucard serious."

Yemma paled. "I'll transfer you over at once."

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**And that's the chapter! Hope ya'll enjoyed it and please leave a review! I'm really having fun with this, and I hope you guys are having fun reading it. Thanks for reading and I'll see you next time!**

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**Mahogany...**


	8. Sorry

**hey guys. Sorry about no chapters for the last 2 weeks, but I kinda don't really know what to do next with this fanfic. Well in a way I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job of making you guys laugh, so I'm putting this on Hiatus for a bit (I promise I will finish it)**

**Once I get better at making you guys laugh I'll start posting again. Once I get my Alucard-ness sorted out.**

**So sorry again, but this won't die I promise. I'll restart it maybe in a month or something**

**But If anyone (Whos better at writing stuff like this) wants to take over, feel free.**

**Anyway I'll see you guys again in a month.**

**...or not... depending on what happens. Anyway sorry again and I hope you have a lovely day/night/afternoon/whatever. And happy whatever day it is.**


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